Today I was sitting in the hospital cafeteria looking out the windows at a zen sand garden, with its rake lines and little rocks, and I could not figure out how it is raked. It had no doors leading to it and it's on a little balcony on the second floor. I sat and drank a soda and snacked on chips and pondered the whole baffling mystery, instead of what I could have been doing.
Today I could have been sitting there, worried out of my mind, as my husband goes through a series of tests. Six years ago, on Christmas Eve, I told him he was not allowed to go home and go to bed because I didn't think he had the flu. He had to go to the ER, and it is a testament to how weak he was, that he did not argue with me and went meekly to the hospital, where 11 units of blood later, we knew he had a GI bleed, but where and what have always remained a mystery.
On Monday of this week, he said he thought he was having the same thing happen. So we began another adventure over the last several days, to the doctors, to the lab, to the doctors, to the lab, to the surgeons, to the hospital, to the doctors, to the lab, to the hospital, to the surgeons, to the doctors.
And as he has gone paler and weaker, I have tried not to worry.
Today I just sat and stared out the window and while I didn't find any zen exactly, I didn't spend two hours worrying either. I know I have God to thank for that worry free wait, and all the people who have been praying for us.
As more prayers are answered and could be worries are solved before they become full fledged, I know we are very blessed. My husband has more tests set up for tomorrow, but this time around, they have found where he is bleeding from. Next step, stopping it!
But I'm not going to worry about that. I feel pretty confident that if God has the whole world in His hands, and I know that He does, He's got this itty bitty bleed under control too.
The bright side of all of this is my husband can eat all the jello he wants, and since he is mad crazy for jello, he wants as much as he can get. At the hospital, a jello cup was such a wonderful treat, we couldn't help but laugh.