I know she was awake partly due to nagging worries that didn't let her rest until we were safely back in the shelter of our home, and I know that I have forced myself to take those same worries that sprouted when I gave birth and realized that I had not actually understood love until I held my baby for the first time and shove them into a locked box and wrap that box of worries in a ton of chains and not let it be opened. Ever.
When my son hit the age of later curfews, and doing things like going to Seattle for a concert, I thought my box would break open and I'd be awake, worried, wondering, waiting, for him to come home. I know what a late night knock at the door feels like, and sometimes the knowledge of that is hard to live with and impossible to sleep with.
Last night I knew he would be out late, I knew I had no idea when he'd get home, and I knew I was tired. I went to bed at our normal time, texting him that we were going to bed, the door was unlocked for him, and would he stop by our room to let us know when he got home....and then I laid down, turned out the lights, and fell asleep.
Slept peacefully and was barely aware of him knocking on our door to tell us he was back.
I am sitting here this morning not sure if that's a good thing or not. I have such good memories of my Mom awake, ready to hear all the details of our night if we wanted to talk. My son comes home and I'm half sleep zombie....
But give me a cup of coffee in the morning, and I am all ears, ready to hear how a night of music in the big city went! If only he wasn't half sleep zombie this morning......
When I read some of your posts, I smile because it is as if I had written them! We got our children cell phones when they became of driving age. And, I, too, would text my children, tell them the backdoor was unlocked, we're going to bed, come check in when you get home. And, I, too, would be sleeping soundly (most of the time) when they came in to tell me they were home :) I don't know. Maybe that's trust. Maybe that's just being way tired! But it all worked out and that's the important thing!
ReplyDeleteI have had this internal conversation with myself often, too. I always feel a little like I am dropping the ball if I sleep while they're out roaming the world at night. I guess it's all part of letting go in manageable increments.
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